It has been a long journey to this moment. I have been writing this piece in my head over the last few months, unsure how to fully weave all my thoughts together, until I realized this piece isn't about structure, because getting your life together is anything but structured. This essay is a story about navigating periods of your life when you feel lost. The "Rising Phoenix" is a symbol of somebody who overcame the darkest stages of their life, and arose from the ashes ablaze and stronger than ever. I firmly believe there is a Phoenix in everyone, patiently waiting to be awakened. For some it may take longer for their Phoenix to rise - I've come to learn it just means their light will shine infinitely brighter.
It's taken me a long time to realize, but I had not been present in my own life for the last few months. I stopped writing, and I had begun to just go through the motions, lost in a mindless cycle. I think with the nature of the world in this current moment, and the lockdowns we have endured, many other people have gone through similar predicaments and faced immense tragedy in the form of depression that has spiraled into a dark place. I have been lucky. Over the last two and a half years of COVID, I have been stuck in my house working remote struggling with boredom that was beginning to morph into mediocrity. One of my best friends described the first six months as a long snow day, before realizing maybe this kind of work environment isn't sustainable. I happened to stumble upon a quote from the great Ludwig Van Beethoven I want to use as the governing theme of this essay from which I rediscovered the fire within me.
To play a wrong note is insignificant; to play without passion is inexcusable.
My awakening began in the Fall, and took nearly six months to come to fruition as we now enter the Spring. I was going through the same routine day-in-day-out of just waking up, logging onto my computer to work, and then filling my night with a workout, TV, and some X box. After some time, I asked the question at work to the boss what my promotion prospects looked like, of which I was told were good and essentially right around the corner. I felt comfortable.
About a month after I asked about my promotion prospects, the executive of my department read off the promotion list to the entire division, and to my dismay once he had finished, he gave a two minute monologue about how great my work had been. I was fuming - a pat on the back isn't going to pay my bills. I shut my video off from the computer, and took a walk around my office. I emailed the boss, of which she calmed me down and told me I would be getting a double promotion and I just needed to wait a couple more months. I simmered down and felt good with that response.
Upon my yearly review, I was given the highest score possible - a 5/5. The previous year I had been given a 3 and some change, and told, "this is normal, our company doesn't give out 5's, if you get one that means you need a promotion immediately." I was also told that HR had made the decision to not promote anybody for the remainder of the year, and that there was a chance I might get promoted by next year. I could not function that night - I was beyond livid.
I confronted the boss the next morning and told her I just didn't understand. I explained how I only had taken about one week off in nearly two years, and given my accomplishments I was stunned to not receive a promotion. I was then told, "tough love, your fault for not using vacation time, trust the process. If you need to leave the company go ahead, but be carful depending how you act you could lose the promotion prospects." I felt embarrassed and belittled. Kobe Bryant once said, "You asked for my hustle - I gave you my heart, because it came with so much more.” I felt I had given the company the best I had to offer and more, and they spat in my face. To further add insult to injury, when asked what I thought would be a fair raise, I told them an additional $10,000 on top of the 3% raise I got, and they came back with $1,100, upping my raise to 5%.
That night I updated my resume, and fired off job applications. I struggled to contain my anger. Had I been told, "I apologize, we messed up and misled you," or "I'm sorry, but we're fighting for you," I would likely have resorted back to a stage of comfort. The way I was spoken to fired me up so much I knew in my heart I could not stay with the company. I felt the old me awaken, the one who thirsted for competition and used to grab life by the balls. I realized the last two and a half years beat the life out of me and if I didn't act quickly I'd slip into the clutches of mediocrity. I needed to kindle the Phoenix within me. When the boss said "if you don't like it leave," I said to myself, "say less, I will."
Long story short, within one month of the conversation with my boss, I was able to get a new job (more on that later), and transform my life over the course of just a couple of weeks. By taking matters into my own hands, I was able to obtain the promotion I was due.
I am now writing to you from the beautiful city of Tampa Bay, Florida. I had never been here before, nor did I know anybody coming down here, but the "call to adventure" got the best of me. My job is much better than the one I had, and I now have the freedom that comes along with having your own place. I bought a new car I could have only dreamed of getting a couple years ago, and I have found a piece of myself that has been dormant for a long time. I guess what I am really trying to say is this - the best thing that has possibly ever happened to me professionally was not getting promoted. It was from that anger and frustration that I was able to put my entire life back together. It's an old cliche, but sometimes when things don't go your way initially, it's really a "blessing in disguise" as the setback is a setup for a comeback, as the great motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said.
However it's worth noting, I almost gave up on this opportunity. I have always struggled with self-confidence issues to a degree. In college, I was on the lower end of my class. My peers outclassed me in terms of book-smarts, and for a while I lost complete and utter confidence in myself. At the end of my freshman year when it came time for reports cards, I got a C in Intro to Finance, of which a B- was needed to pass. I was given one more opportunity to retake the class, and the school sent me multiple warning letters that a failure to receive the required minimum grade would warrant kicking me out of the business school.
Junior year I finished one semester with a GPA barely above a 2.0. I got C's across the board in all my math classes, and struggled immensely with statistics. Fast forward to my first banking job out of school, I crafted their entire sampling methodology in accordance with regulatory standards, and aced the statistical component. I guess what I am trying to say is - college isn't a good gauge of your ability, the most important thing is believing in yourself. When things don't come as easy to you it's more the reason to put your head down and work to improve at it. Effort is above all the most important ingredient in the recipe of success because it requires you to build character. As Eric Thomas said, "you might be smarter than me, but you will not outwork me." It might take them half the time to learn the material - that just means you need to find a different way.
Regardless, it took me a very long time to overcome my self-confidence issues and find my voice - I struggle to this day still. When applying for my current role, it was the 90th listing of 93 job postings. When I arrived at the bottom of the list I was exhausted from filling out job applications and thought landing a job at this company was beyond a long shot. However, an old mentor of mines voice rang in the back of my head, as she told me one reason men generally get ahead of women in upper management positions is because they are willing to shoot for jobs they are not qualified for. Sticking your neck out tends to pay-off, and a quote Steve Harvey once said hit me - "You need to become comfortable with being uncomfortable." So I applied, got the job, and now here I am. Risen from the ashes of despair.
President James Garfield once said, "...nine times out of ten the best thing that can happen to a young man is to be tossed overboard and compelled to sink or swim." I had to make a choice in my life, and I chose to jump overboard because I wasn't being challenged and I had to take matters into my own hands. I was talking to one of my best friends about the idea of redemption - I think people loved the show Game of Thrones so much because it's one big redemption story. People don't always believe there is a hero within them, which is why they idealize those characters, but I am here to tell you that there is a hero within you, and you have the capacity to be just as great as anybody.
Don't let anybody belittle you. I owe many things to my previous boss for taking a chance on me and jumpstarting my career and giving me an opportunity, but the years of friendship was basically thrown away in a ten minute phone call. In life you have to stand up for yourself no matter who the person is. You must have self-respect for yourself. Had it not been her who took a chance on me, I believe in my abilities and that I would have found another way.
I started my new job the day after Easter. For those who know me, I am very religious, but I tend to keep it private. I believe very much in the principle outlined by Aristotle in "Nicomachean Ethics," that the "virtuous life is a happy life." My Catholic faith is a major component of that pursuit as I strive to be as honorable and noble as possible in my actions. Regardless, I think it was fitting for me that the day Jesus arose from the tomb resurrected, I too left my home in Boston after two and a half years of being locked down and rediscovered life.
Charles Bukowski outlined the following in his poem, "No Leaders, Please:"
“Invent yourself and then reinvent yourself, Don’t swim in the same slough. Invent yourself and then reinvent yourself and Stay out of the clutches of mediocrity.
Invent yourself and then reinvent yourself, Change your tone and shape so often that they can never categorize you.
Reinvigorate yourself and Accept what is But only on the terms that you have invented And reinvented.
Be self-taught.
And reinvent your life because you must; It is your life and Its history And the present Belong only to You.
I dare you to reinvent yourself. Who knows what you may discover, it might just be the greatness within you waiting to shine.
This piece is dedicated to my great family and wonderful friends, of which none of my journey would have been possible so far without them.
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